Artist Statement 

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I can’t escape who I was because she is still a part of who I am.  

Addiction will follow me through my entire life, resurfacing itself in different ways and reflecting itself into aspects of my past, present, and future self. 

My current series of work is a process of self-reflection, focusing on struggles I have dealt with surrounding past traumas, mental health, addiction, and self-identity.  

Sometimes I feel as though I have been stuck in the past while simultaneously trying to block it out. Creating these artworks has kickstarted a deep dive into suppressed memories and feelings that have been too hard to embrace in past attempts.  

I am doing so in hope that during this exploration I will develop a stronger sense of peace and understanding for myself and what I have been through. 

These paintings began as memories of myself during a time where I lost sight of who I was. The use of multiple figures represents the confusion and multitude of emotions I was feeling during this time. The content has now begun to morph into representations of my current self in confusion with my past self, exploring my relationship with my reflection.  

The first painting of this series is titled “Fall Risk”, in reference to the bright yellow socks I am wearing, which were given to patients that had a high risk of falling down. This bright neon, almost toxic looking yellow color has now overwhelmed my paintings as a metaphor for the overwhelming state of addiction and psychosis that seems impossible to escape. Once you touch this yellow paint, it gets everywhere. It stains everything it touches. When you are abusing substances and stuck in a cycle of destructive behaviors, it affects everyone around you, and it “stains” you for years to come. It consumes you. It makes you do things you never would when sober. Substance abuse is often romanticized and eroticized, such as advertisements for alcohol – but, in reality, it is not pretty and not sexy. 

Throughout the process of these paintings, I wanted to throw myself back into this position of mental anguish by dressing up in the clothing I wore in rehab to take reference photos for my paintings and originally to wear while I paint.  

I am very much a process-based artist, beginning every project with video performances of interpretative reenactments of my memories. I then take stills from these videos to turn into paintings. Most recently, I have begun using the videos and photos themselves as my final artworks. I have grown tired of solely identifying myself as a painter. I have used paintings as a buffer because sharing a painting feels a lot less raw and vulnerable than sharing real images of myself. It’s easier. But, the process of recording these performances, and the ideas behind them are what feel like art to me, not the final outcome. I believe that ideas make you an artist, not the medium used. So, I am currently exploring different ways to express my ideas outside of painting.